Why can’t I figure this out?? Other people around my age seem to have their lives more together but I feel like I am just spinning my wheels. I don’t understand why it’s so hard for me to do the same things. Is something wrong with me?
These were the kinds of thoughts I was having at 36 years old. I had struggled since my teens with my weight and eating habits and my entire adult life with my finances. I also suffered from chronic, low-level depression for years that never improved. I recognized that I had self-control problems and that spending money and eating food both made me feel better, at least for a little bit.
I booked an appointment with a therapist initially intending to talk with them about my impulse control issues. After a few months of therapy and learning about my history, during one session my therapist said they had a hunch and handed me an assessment questionnaire for ADHD. I filled it out and my therapist said I met the criteria, but they could not give a diagnosis, so they needed to refer me to a psychiatrist.
After receiving my diagnosis, I set out to learn more about ADHD and as I did, things really clicked into place – so many of my problems were finally explained. I ended up being prescribed the generic Adderall and I took that medication for a couple of years. However, I do not like the side effects, so I have stopped taking any medication for now. (It’s also too expensive for me at this time)
Even simply knowing I have ADHD has helped me immensely – I finally understand so much about myself and I am able to help myself better through bad days and tough times. I have more patience and grace for myself when I am struggling. Behaviors and impulses that I didn’t understand make sense now, and I have better strategies and coping mechanisms than before. I only wish I had known earlier but it’s better not to wallow in that feeling and just focus on how I am going to move forward.
Since learning that I have ADHD, I have made many adjustments in things like how I do housework, how/when I start and complete projects, how many obligations I take on, and am able to better plan for/manage and recognize my sensory overload. Understanding that my brain works a bit differently than most people and not being so beholden to doing things “the right way” is very liberating and less overwhelming.
Another thing that has helped is realizing that other people may present as having their lives together, but that may very likely be just a face they put on in public for work, for social media, for events, et cetera. I think about how when I go out in public, I usually dress nicer and look more “put together” than when I am at home slouching around in my scuzzies.
The public face we present is part of a story that we tell ourselves and others; a glamour we put on so we can put our best face forward. This is not a bad thing; I’ve heard many people say they feel more self-assured and confident when they are dressed a certain way. Or, they feel different when they have their work uniform on or if they are dressed formally vs casually. People consciously and unconsciously use their personal appearance in symbolic ways that can actually send any message they want to.
With all that in mind, I always try to remind myself that social media is often the highlight reel of the best moments, that someone’s public appearance and persona always have a little bit of performance to them, and that comparison is the thief of joy.
ADHD is not a mental health condition (it is a neurodevelopmental condition), but it ties into mental health in many ways. Many people with ADHD suffer from chronic low-level depression and I am one of those. It’s never been the kind of depression where I am unable to get out of bed for days but it has been with me since my teens and is always there under the surface. In my opinion it stems from always being the “weird kid” and being ostracized, being told since childhood that I’m doing everything the wrong way, always being questioned, and never feeling like I’m adequate enough because that is the message that society pushes on anyone who is different.
But this is one of those areas where just simply being aware that I have ADHD has helped: I know now that I’m not “wrong” or “broken” – it is society that is wrong for pushing that message onto people like me. It is the society I live in that is broken because it requires every human being to fit into a specific mold which does not accommodate all the natural physical, mental, neurological variations that a human could exhibit. That doesn’t mean I don’t still struggle or I don’t still go back and forth on how much of my struggle is my own fault because I am an adult and I do make choices, but previous to my diagnosis I would put 100% of the blame on myself which I know is unrealistic.
I could go further into the ills of society and how it systematically disadvantages those who don’t fit into the mold, but I think that topic is probably better as its own article. I will, however, give my opinion here that if people had more support from the society they live in, it would improve society itself by improving mental health overall.
As far as ADHD goes, if you are struggling with impulse control, overspending, overeating, or other behaviors you can’t seem to get a handle on, I would recommend looking into ADHD. Having impulse control issues doesn’t automatically mean one has ADHD but even if you don’t, you may be able to get help through therapy and things like CBT/DBT.
Here are some links and resources about ADHD that you can learn more from:
Diagnosis of ADHD in Adults https://chadd.org/for-adults/diagnosis-of-adhd-in-adults/
Adult attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/adult-adhd/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20350883
ADHD in Adults: A Psychiatrist Explains https://www.yalemedicine.org/news/adhd-in-adults
Adult ADHD: Diagnosis, Differential Diagnosis, and Medication Management https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC2957278/
When Depression Co-occurs with ADHD https://chadd.org/adhd-weekly/when-depression-co-occurs-with-adhd/
ADHD and Depression: Exploring the Connection https://add.org/adhd-and-depression/
ADHD and the Development of Depression: Commentary on the Prevalence, Proposed Mechanisms, and Promising Interventions https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7717502/
Adult ADHD with comorbid major depression shows a distinguishable polygenic pattern and negative cognitive style https://www.nature.com/articles/s41398-026-04008-3
The Link Between Depression and ADHD https://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/depression-adhd-link
How Untreated ADHD Can Lead to Depression in Adults https://fullerhospital.com/blog/how-untreated-adhd-can-lead-to-depression-in-adults/
Here is some information about societal/systemic ableism:
What Ableism Looks Like: Examples Across Systems, Culture, and Self https://neurodivergentinsights.com/what-ableism-looks-like/
Understanding and Combating Neuroableism https://www.corticacare.com/care-notes/ableism
Internalized Ableism https://www.neuronandrosepsychology.com/blog/internalized-ableism
What is internalized ableism? Neurodivergent people need to know. https://www.neurodiverging.com/what-is-internalized-ableism-neurodivergent-people-need-to-know/
How Current Mainstream EBP Approaches Perpetuate Inequity + Injustice https://neurodivergentnexus.com/ebpandableism